All These Cracks
by feathered moon wings
Summary: It's been said that people who are good at telling lies are also good at lying to themselves. I find myself incapable of doing so. Sometimes the best I can do is ignore the problem, but I always know it's there; ignoring it can never make it go away. Not for me. It all came crashing down on me just as Jyn Erso crashed into my life. Jyn...


**Abril: Fifth of the Lyric Challenge I'm doing with Shadow-ying.**

 **It consists on sending the other a paragraph (or two) of a song for them to make in the span of 24 hours a story about anything (yeah, right, 24 hours. As if we even paid attention to that rule anymore).**

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 **Challenge:**

 _ **But I felt the sand start shifting**_

 _ **I saw the cracks in the walls**_

 _ **I painted over them all**_

 _ **I tried my best to just ignore**_

 _ **I can't ignore**_

Red- Buried beneath

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My superiors would say I'm good at lying, the very best even. I would be inclined to agree. Perhaps I'm not _the best_ , but I am incredibly good at the job.

It's been said that people who are good at telling lies are also good at lying to themselves. I find myself incapable of doing so. And, force, how much would I love to; being oblivious and move forward, believing everything's fine. But I can't.

Sometimes the best I can do is ignore the problem, but I always know it's there; ignoring it can never make it go away. Not for me.

I've never been good at lying to myself. But… I _would_ have to say I'm amazing at ignoring this sort of thing. This little trick of mine came crashing over me just as Jyn Erso has crashed into my life.

Jyn…

She's so angry, there's so much fire inside her it burns us all. She spits my truths at my face and then rubs some more dirt over it. She takes no bullshit from anyone.

I… _know_ what I've done; my sins. I can count them all with perfect accuracy. I can see them crystal clear and transparent, I know what they are, and as much as they help the rebellion and thousands of others it does not exonerate me from the blame. I can paint over them like cracks on a wall but they will always be fissures made by my own hand in all this.

Jyn makes them present. All the things I did in the name of 'good'. She makes it so I can never look away from them, or ignore them, or paint them however I wish to see.

I would laugh really, as honest as she is to others and to herself, she is _amazing_ at lying to herself, I'll give her that. She can't see herself the way I do; I can tell these sort of things, it's my job after all.

Jyn likes to believe she herself is so strong, so unaffected by this war and her own pains but… she's not. She's just like the rest of us; scared of what may come, what may never be, and worst of all, what could've been.

We are all children in this revolution, crying out for our mothers, our fathers.

As we hold each other close -sitting on the sand, on our knees- I spare a small thought to the could've been. After Jyn so blatantly exposed my sins and having to stare at them up front, would I have changed then? After all this? Would this girl have changed the way I do things? The way I lead my life?

Would…would I have changed her too, then? I don't really know if that would've been a good thing.

I stop the thought and bury my head into her hair and shoulder. I close my eyes; the horror of the explosion does not matter; the beauty of the beach does not matter. I hug her tighter, a silent plea for her to hold me tighter as well. She does.

I'm not afraid. I hope Jyn is not afraid either.

I can see my sins with perfect accuracy; the cracks on the walls. They don't matter anymore.

I rest my body against hers. It's the best hug I've ever had.

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 **Abril: I thought this one was going to be a disaster but it didn't turn out THAT bad in the end. I kinda like it though it really isn't my best :) But I'm really getting tired of these train-of-thought fics I keep doing. I want dIaLoUgE.**

 **Cassian and Jyn, my couple/friendship/siblings for life. I don't care how you look at them, I just care that they are awesome together. So, any comments people?**

 **Shout out to my beta PheonixFeather10 for the help :D**


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